Most of us regularly have to deal with angry and upset people. Think about situations you have faced recently. Have you handled the situation in a manner than caused things to calm down or did you handle it in a way that got worse? I can always tell whether someone in a service role has been well trained in customer service by how they respond when a customer is upset.

There are three simple steps – the three A’s – that can be used in any situation where someone you are encountering is upset. The first A is apologize. Even if you did nothing wrong, starting out your response with the words “I’m sorry” will begin to defuse a situation. A person is angry or upset because they perceive something negative happened to them. The worst thing to do is be defensive and try to rationalize the situation, or to blame someone else. For example, a waitress brings you the wrong meal in a restaurant and you get upset. If she says, “Oh, the kitchen messed up again”, that does nothing to sooth your anger. In fact, it makes things worse. The correct response is for her to say simply, “I am so sorry that you got the wrong meal”.

After apologizing, the next A is acknowledge. To acknowledge means playing back the person’s emotions to them. “I can see that you are really upset about this” acknowledges a person’s feelings without agreeing or disagreeing with them. People with high levels of empathy have the ability to understand the other person’s point of view. The worse thing that someone can say when someone is angry or upset is “You shouldn’t be so upset” or “Please calm down”. The TV show, Super Nanny, is about a child psychologist who helps parents deal with unruly and “bratty” children. I caught a clip one time where she was telling a parent the way to handle a child who was throwing a tantrum about not getting what he wanted. The nanny said to keep repeating what the child said he wanted until the child calmed down. It worked on a child every time. All the parent was doing was acknowledging the source of the emotion without agreeing to do anything.

Only after things have calmed down after apologizing and acknowledging, will the third A – ask a question – be used. There are two sides to our brain. The right side is the emotional side, while the left side is analytical. When we are responding out of emotion we are using the right side of the brain. When we are being rational and analytical, we are using the left side. We can only work out of one side of the brain at a time. Responding to an open ended question, one that cannot be answered yes or no, forces us to use the left side of the brain. Again using the waitress example, once she has apologized and acknowledged my feelings, one who is skilled in customer service will ask a question like “what can I do to correct this situation”. This question requires thinking on my part and therefore I use the left side of the brain. A poor response would be, “Can I give you a free dessert ?”. Because I can answer this yes or no and it doesn’t force me to think, I can stay in the right side of the brain and remain emotional.

The next time you encounter an upset person, remember the three A’s – apologize, acknowledge, and ask a question. By the way from personal experience, this works very well on angry spouses.